The Dreaming Tree

This is an article dedicated to all the Chennai Bus N00bs. I was once like you are now and I know that its not easy to recall something going wrong. (no, I don't like boy bands, this line just happened to be an exact match. Seriously.)
After in-depth analysis, pondering and near death experiences I have decided to formulate a list of rules that will govern the living and existence of every n00b that wishes to survive on a MTC bus.

Without futher ado, I present my ISO:190087 certified theory that has been approved by the head of theory approving council, Barbie, himself. Or herself. Hmmm... that might need another theory. Anyway enough of the distractions. Lets get down to business.

Abbreviations you better know (Or MC Conductor Bro ain't gonna be happy with you homie):

1. MTC: Metropolitan Transport Corporation (Chennai) Ltd. Where the Chennai and Ltd come from is a mystery. Some theorists believe the force is with them.

2. SRM: Seats reserved for Males. Please note M is not for MEN. It could be for MICE though, Although genetic studies seem to point towards Ninja Monkeys. Therefore, we settle for Males, whatever be the species.

3. SRL: Seats reserved for the Ladies. Note the word "Ladies" and the word "the" before it. I must warn you though, speak not about the dark lords or their throne (SRL).

Basic Rules:

1. A Male may never sets eyes or ass upon a SRL. This would lead to an instant and painful death due to Human Self Combusion.

2. When a she-who-must-not-be-named sits on a SRM, it automatically converts to a SRL. This is skill is learnt at a young age by all shes-who-must-not-be-named in the monastry. And although this might seem similar to a strategy game spell, beware, this is real and this is your life, or the lack of it, decided by your actions of course.

3. In case a Male tries to recapture the SRM which has the now been converted to a SRL, his fate is decided by the application of Rule 1. This is the reason why many shes-who-must-not-be-named wear gas masks and safety goggles. They must protect their eyes from the flames.

4. If, in the unlikely anamoly, that the SRM that was converted to an SRL is brought back to being an SRM, then what may seem like an educational video for the devil starts. In fact, recent reports have suggested that Satan himself comes down (or up?) and watches the scenario to learn how all hell is supposed to break loose. Subsequently, may hell dwellers have reported better torture facilities and infrastructure.

5. The conductor's and driver's seats cannot be classified as SRL or SRM. Though the Seats Reserved for The Ladies Rights and Protection Group(SRLRAP) is applying pressure on the State Government to apply Rule 2 to this procedure, the State Government has claimed lack of rights to do so and has instead promised free Guitar Hero 3 CDs to all shes-who-must-not-be-named.

6. In any event, or rather calamity, if there exists physical contact at any arbitrarily chosen point in the time-space continuum between the shes-who-must-not-be-named and a Male, all funeral expenses for the Male are to be borne by the closest kin of the Male. They must also pay for towels to wipe the bloodstains off the shes-who-must-not-be-named.

7. You must draft your will and complete all legal proceedings, including paying the bills before calling any of the shes-who-must-not-be-named dark and fat.

8. The above rules apply to everyone including Rajnikanth and Chuck Norris.

9. The growing Chink population believes they must also be included in the shes-who-must-not-be-named. It is believed the shes-who-must-not-be-named smiled at this suggestion. Sadly the reporter who is responsible for the valuable tit-bit could not see the light of day ever again as the smile turned him to stone. May his soul rest in peace.