The Dreaming Tree

Every year, when the cold December winds freeze people elsewhere while my perma-summer town remains hale, hearty and gujju, I take a few minutes from my excruciatingly busy schedule to compile a list of what was. And as it is with all other lists, this is pointless-ness and inaccuracy taken to a newer level. To quote Drew Carey, 'the points don't matter, just like underwear to Sharon Stone'.

Anyway, shall we proceed.

2008's 5 Trippiest things:

1. Mess Food

Believe it or not, mess food is the king. It is difficult to explain, its like sweet smell of grass on a summer day, like the American intellect, like that feeling you get when a cricket ball slams into a man's crotch. Man hasn't invented words for these things. Apart from fuck of course. (To be pronounced with an elongated vowel sound.)

2. Porcupine Tree

A multi-coloured lava lamp. The colours merging, prancing around like Russian ice skaters. Layers on layers of music, which actually reminds me of the Castor oil viscosity diagram in the 11Th CBSE physics textbook. Held up by some solid bass, with chunks of pleasure thrown in by the drums almost arbitrarily. And as you pierce the layers, the occasional relief by the keyboards. Blue guitar sparks through the outer surface, the steady riff. Then the song ends and everything goes away.

3. Cows

Cute, very lovable, rather peaceful, pastel shades, abstract art shapes, wet nose, whiplash tails (for the BDSM fans), lazy and awesome competition at burpfests.
Ergo trippy.

4. Lollipops

I have often expressed my great admiration for lollipops. They are the tsars of confectionery. They are symbols of mankind, from pornography to innocence, a lollipop has the power to make you laugh, cry, dance and can choke you to death. Their names are the epitome of creativity and their flavours are swirls of joy( Oh my god! Festember's actually a lollipop.)

Most importantly you can ask someone else to buy you 5 of them because that makes you cute. But I swear you're ugly.

5. Stars

As a child I often wondered how, and very importantly why, did people name constellations. Now I certainly know how. Couple of spliffs and that's it. I remember spotting half of my wing out there, though Basu's nose was rather elongated. I spotted my favourite one just before leaving. If you slightly extrapolate the hunter so that Sirius B coincides with the bear, you will get... hold your breath... the lyrics for Stairway to heaven run backwards. Those devils! They knew everything!
Now for the other question. Why? Because its fun! I can imagine 2 Neanderthal Americans figuring them out:
NA1:"Dude look that chick in the sky has 2 noses"
NA2:"Those are her tits you moron"

etc etc

I know it is pretty bright.
But I like it :)

And the old blog redirects here, so I dumped all the old articles on this address.

Comments will be appreciated. Well at least the good ones.

Cheers!

I could see the end so clearly, before the beginning. Lonely again with my heavy olive rucksack and a broken spirit, staring at the airport doors. Just like it was beginning. I stared blankly at the permuting arrival lounge information board. The green lights next to every flight lit up, except one. People in ties, suits, shorts stormed out of the glass doors. All looking for a familiar face.

In a time when anyone would have a thumping heart and moist palms, I was morose. And as if the overwhelming sense of precognition that showed me the end wasn't enough, my iPod began a song I otherwise loved.

In my quest for employment I chanced upon 14 prospective employers who innocently rejected me in the written test.
But there are very few souls as lucky as yours truly. There are people who have been through multiple long, torturous and most unfortunately failed interviews. That, and my interviews, cumulatively prove just one thing, interviewers depend a LOT on the gut feeling.

It is tough to accept the fact that humans, in the form of interviewers or any other, may like or dislike WITHOUT reason. Sometimes you just can't form a good impression of something. Like potato chips in a box. I find that really stupid. Who eats potato chips out of a box? and why? You need to be either extremely dumb or American. But look around now, everyone loves potato chips in a box, and no one knows why.

Interviewers think very similarly, being evolved mammals like us. Of course the inevitable question is- Why? Why was XYZ rejected?

And for a period of time, the length depends on the IQ of the interviewer or how much his company pays him, he is puzzled. He finds no reason, and of course he can tell the man who heads our placement operations that he just disliked the candidate. and thence continues the long, winding and recursive process of interview, lies and fabrication.

First our college lies to them.
Then they give us a presentation full of deceit, including efforts by one of the world's leading electronic chip manufacturers to prove that their "Dosti Cell" helps cure loneliness.
Then we tell them a truck load of bullshit in the interviews and make American Universities seem as stupid as American Presidents. We also stop short of declaring a fatwa on the GRE.
Then they lie to the college about why they rejected so many.

These of course form the main layers of deceit. Their sublayer, processes and sub-processes have been avoided to conserve the lucidity of the text.

Of course there are some really creative employers and in their excuses we find some traits in their personality exposed.

Here are some REAL excuses.

1. He salivated from his left side.
Everybody knows that salivating from your right side is standard business protocol. Although salivators are generally avoided since most of the world leaders have salivaphobia. Also salivators dirty keyboards and microphones.

2. The Middle Earth was unhappy.
Nothing left to say. Tolkien fan I presume.

3. He doesn't even know that a Bangalore Electrical Engineering firm has a branch office in the Breeze Hotel on the ground floor.
My favourite because the interviewer pointed his finger at me and said it as if branding me a heretic. I don't think winking and sticking my tongue helped, but the HR panel found it funny.

4. He wore a black tie.
What a fool! All IT companies have 2 standard advisors, the how to save Income Tax money people and Linda Goodman. And black ties are thrice as unlucky as two black cats walking anti parallely across the street. Stupid Engineer.

5. I don't think you are suitable for this profile(NOT the other way round).
Firstly, I sat for the company because I want the profile.
Secondly, why the fuck did you shortlist my CV?

There are so many more still to be documented that I could make another blog out of it.
Anyway, bottom line is placements more often then not are lotteries. You can do anything without luck, apart from trip of course.

The little sparrows play in the muddy puddle,
My stupid hair is in a bloody muddle,
The pages take too long to load,
Leaving me tired and bored,
For I find more joy than getting into bed with three,
In the art of penning shitty poetry.

She found us late on Friday night,
This furry ball of black and white,
Beady eyes and a rolling head,
Someone stop her from peeing on my friggin' bed,

Her name was Whisky

We stole all her milk and buried her bones,
Taped her mouth and stopped those groans,
Tied her up and put her in a sack,
But that stupid dog kept coming back!

Her name was Whisky.

So we gave her some beer and fed her some weed,
But that little bitch was from a different breed,
She lapped'em up like never before,
And by the end of the night she wanted more!

Her name was Whisky.