Business Jargon Haters: Minutes of the Meeting

Hanging around on the office table,
Figuring out what the boss means by deliverable,
Dazed and confused you don't keep him in the loop,
Because he asks you for agenda and a focus group,
You want more money, holidays and you're pissed,
But you shut up because you're the product evangelist,
They keep telling you "We will downsize",
So you get back to work and prioritize,

And every new client's brief in your luck,
Leaves you saying what the fuck?
If only they'd put it in simple words,
And not in literal versions of recurring decimal imaginary surds,
You'd probably have a clue of the work to be done,
But then how would the MBAs have some fun?
No, you must stick to the vague business lingo,
And in the process suck your boss' dingo*.

Then in the bar you meet this lovely blue eyed lady,
And tell her you market satisfaction solutions which are consumer ready,
Till your jaw is viciously attacked by her daddy's boot,
Because he thought you were a male prostitute,
So you retreat to a corner, speechless and weak,
But promise to master this alien corporate speak,
Because the better butt and sweeter titty,
Prefer Six Sigma men with enhanced productivity.

*For more info visit www.dingojuice.com

Oh I'm Just Screwing With Your Head.

Boners are inspired by different things,
Pasties and T-backs and leopard skin slings,
Some people love chicken, others prefer fish,
So dont judge a man by his kinky fetish.

Now that we've decided on a broad mind,
Lets keep our likings for the broader behind,
Not closeted inside with the dirty underwear,
But out in the open, sun-tanned and bare.

And of all the choices that the creator made,
The whore of hearts and the broad of spade,
Nothing puts my blood flow on cue,
Like the girls with a 130+ IQ.

My 10 best college moments

Statutory Warning: Senti ahead.

My 10 best college moments
(in no specific order)

1. Festember 08
2. The day Nida brought Whisky to our wing
3.The day I got placed.
4. The 5 days of fucking everyone up to get the Rem out in time
5. Scoring for the first time
6. Complete psycho night with Subho and Mainak before sem exams in 1st year.
7. The 2nd year trek.
8. Everytime someone said "Dude lets have a drink. No binging, just a drink."
9. That first mug of beer in the 2nd year Balls farewell. Start of a love affair.
10. NITTFEST '09 (took them from behaaiind, shoobie doobie doopaaa)

Urinations Ruminations of a Cow Lover

My college life would've been bland and incomplete,
Without the odd patched hide and tempting teat,
A day would have hardly been through,
Without stepping in freshly laid cow do,
But bovinity is not be poked fun at,
Or shooed or beaten or spanked or spat,
For though my love for cows first grew out of pity,
It later greatly helped me understand bestiality.

Now where do I begin on my muses?
Her nimble walk? or the way she peruses,
That blade of grass she's about to munch,
For breakfast, supper and tomorrow's brunch?
How her lovely tongue dives into her nose,
And the ninja tail that fights those crows,
Oh I must stare into those eyes before I be dead,
Sadly that big, blue dustbin is stuck on her head.

I'm sure the Angelinas and Deepikas and Ashes,
Pray everyday for a cow's eyelashes,
How they flutter like a butterfly's that has flung,
In some odd way, at her face, a little dried cow dung,
Indubitably, the creator had a master tape that he took home,
And designed on it a cow's genome,
For never has there been a fair animal so great,
That tastes even better on my dinner plate.

I want my MTV

Sometimes I wish to ditch electricity,physics and fission,
And lose myself in reality television,
Partly because they have the mental capacity of a hammer,
Which is wisely used to nail the glamour,
And partly because, as I always say,
The obnoxious has this mysterious attraction, per se,
All of which I will use with great aplomb,
And participate in the virulent Viacom,

I assumed being a roadie was a lot of fun,
With all those bikes and women and melons and buns,
But these challenges sound rather fickle,
What if you lost a testicle?
Without the balls you'd be hopeless and meek,
Primo material for beauty and the geek,
And just before it gets all romantic and bridal,
Go embarass yourself on Indian Idol.

I adore redundant comedies,
Especially when the skirts are 10 inches above the knees,
And I'm really addressing the entire cast,
When I tell them your neither gorgeous nor fast,
I'd suggest you give up all hopes,
Of movies or sitcoms or even soaps,
Hollywood is really the latest trend,
Why not be Paris Hilton's BestFuckingFriend?

Poor Ms. Sawant was over-looked during creation,
So now she's headed for self-consummation,
I have a G.U.T that's killer,
Put her on the sets of Splitsvilla,
And to give it some international frills,
Add a couple of Yanks flown in from The Hills,
Oh the world would be so much better,
If I just got my offer letter.

The Seekers

Howdy amigos. Sometime back when I discovered the FEEDJIT statistic feed I liked it because it was fancy. It shows flags and places and watching it in real time is kinda trippy (yes in Gujarat we trip on anything we can find).

Anyway one totally awesome thing about FEEDJIT is that it also shows you to what searches was your blog a result. Its like 42, you know the answer is my blog but what was the question? Here are the top 3 searches my blog has answered to. I swear to God they are all real and unlike most of my blog this list is not made up.

1. Gujju Bhabhi Pics
Search Engine: Yahoo
Location: Mumbai, Maharashtra.

Good lord if someone with any self respect read this they'd jump off Junagadh Fort's highest spire. For crying out loud, WHY? What is wrong with Yahoo! I have had thoughts about taking them to court. And to think I was the FIRST hit on this search. Boy I'm confused, should I feel good or bad?

Bloody frust Mumbaiker! Surely Borivili material.

2.Gujjus vs Bengalis
Search Engine: Google
Location: New Hyde Park, New York.

Mamata vs Modi, Patel vs Chatterjee. Oh boy oh boy oh boy this is greatest battle ever. In fact it got me thinking. Really, Gujjus vs Bengalis?

Gujjus are fat, so are bongs. You see Gujjus everywhere and Bongs are equally populous. So both of them are certainly getting some.

Ok no more comments, Gujjus wont kill me but I know a Bong who could.

3. "increase average iq" senator
Engine: Google
Location: San Jose, California.

The result is this post.

The Americans are so desperate to get smarter they search the internet to find out how. And they ended up on a post that is not very helpful to say the least.

Ok enough Yank bashing. On second thought, no.

I can imagine the convo:

President: Senator, our people are too stupid we must do something.

Senator: Yes sir, I agree.How about we invade Afghanistan?

President: Surely. I also suggest you increase the average iq, Senator.

Senator: Yes sir, I agree. Maybe invading Iraq will help us do that too?

President: Yes thats a good plan.

Deputy to Senator: Sir, how was your meeting with the president?

Senator: He said "increase average iq, Senator"!

Deputy: That'll be easy sir. Let me Google it. And since I am a patriotic American let me insert unnecessary quotes. Oh look some smart Indian guy has written about what we exactly need.

Senator: Oh these Indians, snapping at our asses ready to take our jobs. Just because they're African doesn't mean we'll let them come into our country like the other blacks.

Deputy: Sir that is politically incorrect. And isn't India in Asia?

Senator: Asia's in China you moron. Go get me my 10$ starbucks coffee or I'll feed you to that wetback Jose guy.

Deputy: Alright. And I also think they're brown and not black.

Senator: You racial S.O.B.

etc etc.

The Fifth Horseman

Hello there naive mortal, I am the Fifth Horseman.

Of course, you don't believe me, who would. But if you give me just a few minutes, I'll give you the real story, not just the odd bit of general knowledge. So stay with me here.

Long long long ago, before evolution (which I happen to believe in, that creationism thing is bullshit) I was born to a family of horsemen. My dad was a horseman and my mother was a horseman's wife. They came from families of horsemen and horsemen's wives. So naturally I grew up to be a fine young horseman and enrolled into Horseman College. I was an active member of YHCA (Young Horseman's Christian Association) and did very well in college, graduating with a 10.00 CGPA.

One of my best friends was Lucifer, he was a real devil's son. No, really, he was the devil's son. So when his Dad came along with his company, Apocalypse Inc., I tried to flex my evil arm and asked him for a job. He asked me a few rather simple question and lo! I had a job.

I was overjoyed. Along with me were four other horsemen. Lucifer said his Dad had other plans for him and we bid farewell, after which he descended into the Pit of Hate, the snazzy new nightclub his Dad had started.

We were sent a letter each telling us about our profiles. The other four, who were Conquest, War, Famine and Death were recruited for the working committee, which meant they were supposed to go kill people. Not really a job I'd fancy to tell you the truth. I hate getting my hands dirty and blood really scares me.

I was a part of their PR and Marketing team, I was supposed to convince people that what the other four were doing was for their good and too make sure that the other guys didn't look to bad. Conquest was a great guy, the smartest of the bunch, real bright chap. War was rather quiet and aloof. Famine and Death went hand in hand, they were inseperable, and always played practical jokes on me. If Famine didn't get you, Death sure would.

The great thing about working for the Devil was the day you got recruited you were granted immortality. Also the Employee Stock Options were really good, they made up for the bad food we heard.

Soon enough the other four got to work. They became rather infamous and sell-out bands wrote songs about them. I on the other hand waited long for what the people over at Horseman Resource (HR) called the Offer Letter along with the joining date..

I waited and waited and waited.

It never came, well at least not till today. In fact, when Conquest quit, the recruited Pestilence inspite of my protests, I said I want to be one of them now. But HR wouldn't listen. They said "have patience!". Those bastards are so popular now, I play WoW I see them, they're at the movies, on TV, everywhere!! Its sickening to know I could've been them.

Sometimes I just wish I could go to another firm, but once your in this deep into doom and stuff its difficult to get recruited. Plus no one believes my age, and when I tell them I'm waiting for Apocalypse Inc. and that I'm the fifth horseman they call security.

I guess I'll write HR people another mail.